The frustrated comedy writer's topics - tribe.net

Get out and steal some new material!

2008-02-09T17:46:12Z

The comedy juggernaut continues!

I'm doing participating in a show at the San Francisco Comedy College tonight from 6-8PM.

20 comedians for $5, and you can bring in your own liquor! They're filming a reality TV show too, so you might be an unrecognizable blur on National Telveision! Woo!

Then I'm going to the 5 Cent Coffee show to punish those who ignored me. Mwah ha ha. (Just showing up should be punishment enough.)

414 Mason St.@ Geary, 7th Floor
Near Union Square (so it's a nice neighborhood even!)

BART/Muni stop: Powell Street

Nearby Parking: O'Farrell - Mason Garage (my personal choice)

"The best comedy club in town" San Francisco Chronicle

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Hello my frustrated ones

2006-06-30T19:23:23Z

Your humble, and woefully neglectful moderator here. I would like to revive this tribe if possible. First off can I get a show of hands.

1) Who is still here?
2) What (if any) comedy are you writing now. (Stand up, sketch, TV, screenplay, novel, ect)
3) What would you like to get out of this tribe?

Okay I'll start-
1) Mundo reporting for duty!
2) Writing mostly sketch, and some short stories. Looking to move in to longer form comedy theater, and possibly Stand up, and a screenplay.
3) Just a place to share Ideas, and to network with other writers.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 3 replies

The Delicate Balance

2006-06-14T06:06:30Z

It happens that Josh Zagoren and I were roommates and still very good friends. Josh, which happens is a GREAT sketch comedy actor in Chicago (www.joshzagoren.com) posted a blog about squirrels which I replied. Hillarious? Maybe, at least I hear him, and for sure it is funny. here is the rl post from him, me, and a friend...

(This is a real blog)

**********************************************************************************************************************************
JOSH:
The Delicate Balance
Ok here's something, what's up with city squirrels? I'm from Iowa and the squirrels around there never stared me down into givin' up some popcorn. They knew what was goin' on and ran the hell away when I was coming down the street. They respected the delicate balance of nature: I'm bigger than you, walk away. But now, oh now they're bringin' it. Fine! Fine, have some nuts squirrel, eat 'em all! Fat up! I don't care! When I see a lion I'm gonna walk right up to it and do the same thing.

JODY:
I once went to a concert in Dallas where the musicians had been touring the city earlier that day. They came accross a squirrel hanging out on a tree. The furry little rodent was staring them down, so they started video taping it. Apparenty the squirrel didn't like this too much and jumped out at them and started chasing them. Of course the musicians continued to tape the occurance, but the cameraman tripped and dropped the camera.

What happened next was amazing.

The squirrel climbed on top of the camera. By now all you can see in the footage is his furry little tail hanging down...and some yellow liquid trickling down the lens.

That's right. The squirrel pissed on their camera. I ask you...where is the delicate balance?

AMBROSSY (ME):
Well, you must consider the atmosphere surrounding these squirrels. We all know in Dallas they are not know by being artistic. Why I should let somebody film me out of the blue because you find me cute. WTF?!?! We don't need to go down the laws in Dallas right? I am sure Dallas will gladly let squirrels have their own guns but well, they pee.

And come on, are you kidding me? Chicago has like THE BEST popcorn! I never EVER saw any city who made popcorn a real deal like Chicago. Chicago's popcorn is so glorified that there are lines in the sidewalk while snowing outside to get popcorn. It is so true it is unbelievable! So, down in Iowa they just have corn. Corn everywhere! You tell me to move? I will! Who cares! There's popcorn every 15 seconds down the road. But Chicago's popcorn? You bet I will pee on you and stuff my furry bushy tail wherever I need to until you give me that popcorn goddamit!

That, of course, if I was a squirrel.

You at least have squirrels, I think CA has none, if not very few. Probably vegans killed them thinking we will eat them in due course.

Damn vegans...

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Started a blog to gradually post all of my Bravo Situation: Comedy entry

2006-03-21T03:51:20Z

About a year and a half ago, I created a full sitcom pilot script to send into the Bravo Situation: Comedy contest. This was a script I had already been working on for up to a year and a half before that. So this is material I started thinking about in late 2002 or early 2003.

Ever since my script didn't make it past the first round in the contest, I've been mulling over ways to release it. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that releasing it in parts in a new blog might be a novel way to get people looking at it and giving me great real-time feedback (feedback that could help me make it even better or provide material for subsequent episodes). So, this past weekend, I started the blog -- http://broadwood.blogspot.com . After some harrowing formatting issues, I finally got it looking the way I wanted.

Anyway, the sitcom is entitled "Red State Broads" - and it's about several middle-aged and older women (plus other supporting characters) who work together in a small city's activities committee. In the first story (pilot episode), they are putting together a "Yard Sale, City-wide". I figured a group yard sale would be a good way to explore all the characters and how they all interact, in one fell swoop. Part 1 (roughly two scenes) is released already, and Part 2 will be released on Saturday. For now, I intend to release a new part every Saturday.

To find out more about the sitcom and the cast of characters, go here: http://broadwood.blogspot.com/2006/03/introduction-and-cast-of-characters.html

Well, if anyone is inclined to look it over, I will appreciate it immensely, and please feel free to leave comments in the blog or here. Either place is cool with me.

Thanks in advance for checking it out and giving feedback.

Best regards to my fellow amateur and professional writers.

Steve

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Comedy Comic Book Novel

2006-01-12T03:43:07Z

Finished year one.

Had a good year, picked up many readers.

If anyone's interested, here's info on the novel:

http://www.wantedhero.com/novel_info.htm

Jaime Buckley
www.wantedhero.com

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

this is what killed comedy

2005-10-29T23:46:52Z

http://www.cinematical.com/2005/10/29/mel-gibson-explains-apocalypto/

"At a press conference yesterday, Mel Gibson finally provided a few details on Apocalypto, his latest directorial effort. Set before the Spanish arrival in the Americas, the film's dialog will be in Yucateco, which is apparently an ancient Mayan language."

See...I mean...the thing is its own parody. What could we make up to improve on the facts?

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

another new series

2005-10-25T14:38:04Z

Coming this fall to HBO:

Peter Dinklage is TALL ACTOR.

Following Kirstie Alley's cable series "Fat Actress" in which the former Cheers star whined incessantly about being too overweight to get any acting jobs in Hollywood -- after which she promptly lost all that excess weight -- the star of "The Station Agent" and "Threshhold" plays a little actor named Peter who suddenly grows to seven feet tall. Dinklage will perform his role on stilts in every scene.

"Now that I'm freakishly tall, I don't get cast for any of the parts I used to get! My career is over!" the character complains.

In a move which HBO executives have hailed as an innovative way to cut production costs, "Tall Actor" has been cancelled before going into production, and no episodes will actually be filmed.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

summary of interrogation

2005-08-28T19:20:33Z

Babies Caught Up in 'No-Fly' Confusion

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050816/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/no_fly_babies_12

To: Department of Homeland Security
From: Transportation Security Administration
Re: summary of interrogation of terrorist suspect

Suspect was taken into custody prior to boarding 9 AM flight Dulles to Orlando along with two individuals identifying selves as "parents" of suspect. Terminology possibly indicates higher status in terrorist cell.

Asked the purpose of his travels that day, suspect responded, "Mickey Mao! Mickey Mao?" Individual identifying self as "mother" of suspect told suspect Mickey Mouse was not present at this location, and did suspect want some juice? Suspect first replied "Nuh" then, apparently reconsidering, replied "Yes, wanna joos!"

Upon receiving a container of juice, suspect began an apparently self-composed recitation, the lyrics of which stated "joos joos wanna joos wanna joos joos joos joosy jooooooos!" Recording to be sent for translation. Possible anti-Israeli message?

When asked his name, suspect replied "Sunjob." When pointed out that this name did not match the name used on his ticket, suspect continued to insist that he was identified as "Sunjob." When asked to identify his superior in the terror cell, suspect said "Gary!" then broke into uncontrollable giggles.

Individual identifying self as "mother" explained that suspect was claiming to be "Spongebob." At this point, agents asked "mother" if this constituted admission of using false identification in air travel. "Mother" again expressed desire to end interview at this point.

Suspect began a second recitation in which he informed lead interrogator "You be super pooper man super pooper man sooper pooper maaaaaaaaan you do sooper poopers sooooooper poopers!" When informed that this claim was in error and that said agent was not, in fact, "super pooper man" the suspect began to cry. Suspect would not stop until the "mother" reassured suspect for several minutes.

Interrogation resumed. Lead agent asked suspect if he himself had ever made a bomb. Suspect laughed. When the question was repeated, suspect placed his tongue between his lips and made the following statement: "Prrrrrrfffffllllllllttttt prrrrr prrrrrr prrrrrfffff prrrrrrfffft!" When asked to elaborate, suspect explained "smelly belly smelly belly smelly belly smelly!" Suspect repeated this statement several times with increasing agitation, until "mother" explained suspect needed his diapers changed.

The interrogation was suspended until such time as this took place.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

NEW TRIBE SECOND CITY COMEDY IMPROV

2005-08-22T04:05:30Z

CALLING SECOND CITY ALUMNI, ALL SKETCHY PEOPLE AND IMP-ROVERS, WE HAVE A VIRTUAL COMMUNITY NOW, A FORUM FOR US ARTISTS TO SHARE, NATIONWIDE.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Comedy Writing comes to life

2005-07-22T06:53:32Z

in my groups new show, please read, and hell while you are at it why don't you come?

============================

Buttmatemaker.com has found the perfect date for you! He’s a saucy, hot & spicy sketch comedy professional who loves long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and raucously offensive comedy! And guess what? He’s coming to your town with an all new show that is destined to break your heart AND your vibrator.

IT’s…

SINGLE ENTENDRE’s

SINGLE AND LOVING IT!

So come to our sensually romantic rendezvous (that’s French for booty call yo)! You’ve got six chances for this one night stand!

August 5, 6, 12, 13, 19, 20
AT
THE EXIT THEATER
156 Eddy Street
San Francisco, CA 94102
415.931.1094

Maps an info @ http://www.singleentendre.org/

And just when you thought we couldn’t get any cheaper! You can now take advantage of our 25% pre-sale discount when you buy 2 or more tickets before August 1st. Just enter the coupon code “blind date” on our website

Since our seats fill up faster a Boy Scout’s at Neverland Ranch, you better get your tickets early, because we DO sell out.

Disseminate wildly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled porn surfing…

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Comedy Comic Book writer--seeks assistance.

2005-07-21T19:56:48Z

Hello all. My name is Jaime Buckley and I create comic books for a living. Yes, I actually make a living at it, and support a very large family (wife, 8 kids) doing it.

The comic book is called WANTED:HERO ( www.wantedhero.com ) and you can all get the first issue for FREE---just go to the site and download a copy.

I have a request to make to this tribe:

Would anyone be interested in writing a simple, yet funny skit/script for a short 1-2 minute commerial for the promotion of my comic book? I am a one man team here and have to do everything from my own house, but I have an English friend who will do the acting and a digitial camera to take it---and the computer equipment to get it on the web.

I couldn't pay, but there would be complete, bold credits to anyone's name who wants to take a crack at it. I made one before---though it was more a glorified slide show that went our to 20,000 people in the first week. Not too bad of exposure, and it grows every day.

I just don't have the time, nor do I think I'm THAT funny to create an actual commercial. Please let me know if you want a crack at it---and download my comic so you know what you'd be promoting.

So far, I had the idea of a whacked out news report of some sort, or possibly and interview between me and this Englishman. I don't know...

-Jaime

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 2 replies

tv spot

2005-07-04T23:21:28Z

ANNOUNCER: In our next gripping episode...

(INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE)

WOMAN: Doctor, my husband died of influenza. Why didn't you give him antibiotics?

TOM CRUISE: Antibiotics? If you knew -- do you have any idea -- those drugs, they have a whole history --

ANNOUNCER: ...Doctor Tom Cruise must do the hardest job any doctor faces.

TOM CRUISE: Your husband was a very sick man. His troubles were all in his reactive mind, where all these so-called illnesses originate...

WOMAN: He died of the FLU!

TOM CRUISE: Listen -- are you the doctor here? No! I am! Why? Because I say I am! You'd have to read all the papers I've read, the histories of how these drugs were invented, before you could even dream of calling yourself a doctor! You have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, okay? That's what I've done.

WOMAN: But the flu is easily treatable...

TOM CRUISE: You're being glib. Let's just solve all our troubles by taking drugs. Is that your answer? Little children, let's just pump them full of antibiotics without them knowing the effects. Do you understand that? There's no such thing as the flu. All it does is mask the problem.

ANNOUNCER: But Doctor Cruise must also confront someone with the hard truth.

PATIENT: Nothing's wrong with me, Doctor. But as a sexually active gay man, I felt it was important to have a checkup, because it pays to be careful, right?

TOM CRUISE: No. No. That's a lie. The media is trying to cram that down your throat. You're not gay. There's no such thing as gay. There's no such thing. The tabloids, the so-called journalists, they're all trying to tell you you're gay...but you're not. You're not.

PATIENT: But I --

TOM CRUISE: Look at Nurse Katie. I bet you want her, don't you? You'd like to screw her right now, wouldn't you?

PATIENT: No, I don't...she seems like a very nice girl, but...

TOM CRUISE: Nice? Nice? You bet she's nice. She's more than nice, and you know it. You're madly in love with her. Over the moon. But you can't have her. And you know why? Because she's mine! MINE MINE MINE!

ANNOUNCER: And Nurse Katie makes her wackiest blunder yet...

TOM CRUISE: Nurse, this patient is suffering from severe dehydration! Why weren't my instructions followed?

NURSE KATIE (six-year old girl): I sowwy, docta! I tot you wanted me to give him diuretics!

ANNOUNCER: Coming soon on the next episode of Tom Cruise, M.D.!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

breaking news

2005-07-04T21:51:41Z

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050704/ts_nm/space_deepimpact_dc_7

INHABITANTS OF COMET TEMPEL 1 DECLARE WAR ON EARTH
Leaders Vow To 'Capture Humans Responsible And Bring Them To Justice'

The tiny inhabitants of Comet Tempel 1 today fled the site of an attack by Earth scientists which left a crater the size of two football fields in their celestial body, which is approximately the size of Manhattan. Outrage on the comet was sparked by a boasts from scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena to the effect that "We hit it just exactly where we wanted to" and "Its success exceeded our expectations."

"What kind of beings would deliberately do something like this?" asked one survivor of the attack. "Still, you have to admit, it did look pretty cool when it hit."

Responding to calls for immediate retaliation, the government of Tempel 1 said it was currently evaluating its options. "We want to emphasize that we are not at war with all Earth people," explained a spokesbeing, "but merely those terrorists who sent a washing-machine sized object crashing into our home on a suicide mission.

"Our current plan is to declare war on Mars, since we believe it will be a haven for Earth forces at some point in the future. We believe the conquest of Mars will take a matter of days if not weeks, but certainly not any longer than that. The Martians will welcome us as liberators as we rescue them from the prospect of further aggression by Earth.

"Beyond that, we plan to argue for the next four years or so about what kind of memorial to put in the crater."

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

the science of the sitcom

2005-06-29T14:20:49Z

http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,3858,5209825-103690,00.html

"There are long-standing golden rules for sitcom," said Dr Pilcher, "but our findings bring them down to this single equation. Comedic value is determined by multiplying the recognisability of the main character (R) by their delusions of grandeur (D). This is added to the verbal wit of the script (V) and the total is multiplied by the amount someone falls over or suffers a physical injury (F).

"The difference in social status between the highest- and lowest-ranking characters (S) is added and finally the total is divided by the success of any scheme or stratagem in the show (A). Each term in the formula is assigned a value up to a maximum of 10 to give an overall scientific score."

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 4 replies

Will Franken Live This Weekend!

2005-06-24T07:30:31Z

Yes, it's true!

If you've ever seen Will Franken for free before, this is your chance to pay for it!

June 24th and 25th (Friday and Saturday) at the Dark Room (2263 Mission Street between 18th and 19th) at 10pm both nights for only $10--Will Franken is presenting two entirely different shows.

Why? Because Will was molested as a child and doing two different shows is his defense mechanism.

More importantly. . .he's been accepted into the New York International Fringe Festival this August! He plans on representing San Francisco and himself with a fusion of two of his one-man shows, "Robot Soup" and "Good Luck With It"--we'll show those Yankees what experimental comedy is!

Though this is a potentially lucrative career move--it's financially draining. Will and his wife have had their car impounded, they just lost the hard drive on their computer, and they've overdrafted by over 200 dollars in their bank account.

Will Franken needs help. The Will Franken Fringe Benefit can help him get to New York and get a foothold in the East.

What can you expect at the Will Franken Fringe Benefit?

Two nights featuring two different shows:

Crowd favorites like the dirty misogynistic Vladimir Tereschenko and the Youth Speaks Poe'try Zlam among many others.

Recently performed pieces such as Mrs. Good Luck With It, the helpful lady from Marin, the Future Of Filing Cabinets (a la Stanley Kubrick), and the Fact-Opinion-Speculation-Quote Guy (has to be seen to be believed)--among many others.

And NEVER-BEFORE PERFORMED BITS LIKE--Will's spoof of the cult of Mac Expo including Steve Jobs' introduction of the new iBookG410 (the first iBookG4 with a "10" key instead of a separate "1" and "0"; the optimistic but senile country singer Tommy Hanyocker; the Sharon Tate Baby Air Freshener; and the blind Catholic communion taste test between Zola Acai Berry Juice and the Blood Of Jesus. "Eight out of ten Catholics couldn't tell the difference!"

Please, help Will get to New York.

With a $500 acceptance fee, the cost of airfare and accomodations, and the possibility of having to hire a sound and light person out there--now has never been a better time for Will Franken to have one of those last scenes in "It's A Wonderful Life" moments where everybody comes in and says we believe in you and hands him wads of cash and he learns that no man is a failure who has friends.

"Hi. As you can see by the quotation mark, this is Will Franken. I hope you can come to the Will Franken Fringe Benefit. Accept no imitations. Remember, if there's not a quotation mark at the end of this sentence, it isn't Will Franken."

If you've ever seen Will Franken before and dig what he does, please show him on these very special nights in A minor adagio andante into Rondo:Vivace.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Book, Movie, Television show ... funniest line EVER in your opinion

2005-06-10T18:47:53Z

what is it and why do YOU think it is (or was) funny?

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 3 replies

more competitors

2005-05-27T17:24:29Z

Strong the comedy force is with these younglings, yes. Compete with you for jobs they will.

http://www.eckstein.seattleschools.org/elmiller/more/darth-tater/

"I believe the children are our future...unless we STOP THEM NOW." -- Homer Simpson

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Tell me ... what IS funny?

2005-05-12T17:16:44Z

Comedy: Is it timing; is it crafty content ... is it getting people to see the futility of their circumstances in a light hearted manner?

Is comedy slowly built up irreverent punch lines skewering the universally accepted? Is comedy an immediately realization of something you haven't thought of before?

Is comedy sarcasm piled up so high it just barely makes sense? Is comedy detailing unlikely scenarios and then inserting these into everyday life?

Tell me, what is comedy?

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 19 replies

Writting exercise!

2005-05-11T20:25:25Z

Hey I have an idea! Below is an exercise which I learned in a Poetry workshop years ago. The rules are simple, I have supplied the 1st, 6th, and 11th line. Your job as a frustrated comedy writter is to fill in the other lines make it string together and hopefully be kind of funny, or serious. Writting mojo is Writting mojo so getting the ball rolling is the important thing. Post your results here. I think you'll be surprised what different people come up with. Or you can just tell me that I'm a gay beatnik and leave it at that. Enjoy!

The Rubber Duck stares blindly through soap scum eyes
-
-
-
-
Love is wearing bi-focals
-
-
-
-
The forest is shedding, pine needles for junkie squirrels

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 15 replies

we are not funnier than real life

2005-05-07T00:49:41Z

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/001395.html

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

And one more...

2005-05-05T06:11:38Z

http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/story.jsp?story=634679

"Revelation! 666 is not the number of the beast (it's a devilish 616)

"A newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament indicates that, as far as the Antichrist goes, theologians, scholars, heavy metal groups, and television evangelists have got the wrong number. Instead of 666, it's actually the far less ominous 616."

In a related note, Mrs. Beatrice Satan of Grand Rapids, MI, has asked for her telephone number to be made unlisted from now on, due to a increased number of unwanted phone calls she received following the announcement of the Antichrist's area code. "The last straw was that Tom DeLay fellow," Mrs. Satan explained. "Calling me up drunk at 3 AM, asking what kind of crook I was and accusing me of going back on a deal...well, I never heard such language!"

Neither Mr. DeLay nor the Prince of Darkness were available for comment, though both are believed to be at home in Texas at the moment.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

a question

2005-05-04T17:22:26Z

Last night, I caught myself fondling my private parts. Is there a polite way for me to ask myself to stop? I don't want to hurt my feelings, but I really feel I need to give myself some space and respect my personal boundaries. I mean, I like me, just not in that way.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 3 replies

PlayStations of the Cross

2005-05-04T16:57:42Z

This Sunday's New York Times Magazine had an article about Christian videogame makers.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/01/magazine/01GAMES.html?ex=1272600000&en=354edfec675651b7&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

As far as I can tell, the rise of fundamentalist-friendly music and books and film is all about branding. If it has "Christian" in the name, it's the good brand! Our competitor is the boss from Hell...literally! And so on.

Find an area in which the godless heathens and Satanists and secular humanists are allowed free speech, and then make a lite substitute that your children can be exposed to without any fear they'll hear bad language or different ideas...and you'll make a fortune.

But what's left, you ask?

Christian porn.

Christian porn would have to be straight, it goes without saying. Jesus may have ridden on the back of an ass, but that sort of thing has no place here. And every film must state clearly at the outset that the couple we're watching are married and use no form of contraception.

"Jeepers, Sally, have we made a baby yet?" "No, darn it, we'll just have to keep trying!"

And best of all, they'll carry it in all the Christian bookstores because it says "Christian" on the label, so you know it's Good.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to practice lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills while I wait for the cash to come rolling in...

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

Shorter Version of 'The Passion' to Open

2005-04-08T15:50:18Z

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050309/ap_en_mo/film_passion_recut_2

1. And lo, it came to pass that the LORD did manifest himself in the city of The Angels, that he might commune with Mel Gibson.

2. And saith the LORD "Mel, thou who art my truest and most faithful of all my followers, hearken unto my words.

3. "For hast thou created a motion picture about my son's life, and I am pleased, for he doth not call me often, and long didst I wonder what happened when he walketh upon the Earth, and thou hast shewn me.

4. "And although thy film is about my family, still didst I find that it dragged in spots, and verily, the gore was too explicit, and wouldst not be suitable for the younger and more elderly of my children."

5. And upon these words didst the LORD glower. "Now shalt ye know, my children the cinema owners have raised their voices unto me.

6. "They sayeth unto me, 'O LORD, we beseech thee, canst the motion picture of thy son's life be shortened, that we may add showings to each screen we operate, thereby increasing our revenue?'

7. Sayeth the LORD, "Go forth, my child, and make thee ready to cut thy motion picture in length, that the exhibitors may profit and multiply."

8. And Mel Gibson sayeth unto the LORD, "Thy will be done, in Hollywood as it is in Heaven."

9. Now sayeth the LORD unto Mel Gibson, "Know thou that the exhibitors say unto me 'But LORD, if we increase showings to each screen, even so shalt we increase sales of concessions and refreshments.

10. "'How then are we to provide for these multitudes?' sayeth they unto me.

11. "And this I sayeth unto them.

12. "'Go ye to thy popcorn, which once was enough to feed but a single patron.

13. "'Now find ye that thy popcorn hath increased, that where once was enough for one man is now enough to feed a multitude.'

14. "The LORD hath spake."

15. And it came to pass, in the cineplexes of the LORD, and great was the joy of the distributors and exhibitors. AMEN.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 3 replies

Need some inspiration?

2005-02-18T22:57:42Z

Go to this Show!!! Starts tonight!!!! It's funnier than anything you will ever write!!

SINGLE ENTENDRE PRESENTS...

BRIDE OF ENTENDRE!!!!!!!!!!

The Second Coming!

THRILL at - ugly men in dresses!
MARVEL at - eloquent profanity!!
SPANK YOUR MOTHER to - jubilant rompus hilarity!!!

Funny has finally met its match, as these four flailing thespians bring you sketch comedy as you've never,
ever seen it done before!*

BRIDE OF ENTENDRE
The Second Coming!

February 18, 19, 25, 26 and March 4, 5
New Langton Arts Theatre
1246 Folsom Street
San Francisco, CA 94103 (MAP)

BUY ADVANCED TICKETS NOW!

www.singleentendre.org/index.php

FULL BAR!!!
HIGH QUALITY SINGLE ENTENDRE MERCHANDISE
AND DON'T FORGET TO BUY YOUR RAFFLE TICKETS FOR THE BUNION RUB!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

scene for a film

2005-02-15T17:26:47Z

I'm giving away this idea here because I can't incorporate it into any of my stuff. It's a sight gag which would be best done on film.

We might be watching a documentary about a writer, or someone who imagines himself a writer, and he says "I need peace and quiet to focus on my writing. I come up with some of my best ideas just relaxing in the sauna."

Cut to the man in a steambath, a towel draped over him...writing with a pen on sheets of paper. There would be a stack of fresh sheets, as well as completed pages. Another man enters, also wearing a towel.

The newcomer asks "Hey Bill, how's the new piece coming?"

"Here, have a look," the writer says, handing the newcomer his written pages. Close up on the pages and we see all the ink in blotches, running down the paper, illegible. The second guy looks at his fingers and the ink is getting on his hands as well. The paper is becoming translucent and may even be falling to shreds.

Sure, this isn't funny in description, but I think it could be very much so done visually. Free to whoever can use it!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

off the Snide

2005-02-02T20:17:56Z

Finally, Knocked out a good sketch. I had been on a bit of a dry streak (not too bad)

I think it is a rock solid sketch clean great writing, and a lot of room for character development.

How are you guys doing? Any projects you would like to share? Write anything great lately?

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

Better then the stuff I post here

2005-01-11T00:59:47Z

The World is in chaos…

Natural disasters wreak havoc unlike any in recorded history…

Religious fundamentalists and war profiteers on both sides confine our world in a perpetual state of warfare…

The global economy precariously dangles on the brink of utter collapse…

Our civil liberties are besieged on all sides…

The human race collectively contemplates if they could ever laugh again…

The answer came suddenly…HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!!

Singe Entendre is back in 2005, and better then ever, with not one but TWO raucously riotous new show is the first 2 months of the New Year!

First, our coming out party (not like that!) at Sketch Fest 2005. On Wednesday, January 26th, we’re showcasing our unique brand of comedy, alongside the hottest emerging sketch groups in the nation!

Click here for info: http://www.singleentendre.org/schedule.php
Then go to Sketchfest link

We will be unleashing just under a half hour of old favorites, as well as a nipple hardening, sphincter-moistening preview of new sketches that you can catch at our next ALL NEW full-length show…

BRIDE OF ENTENDRE The Second Coming!

Bursting into your sensory organs like a sailor on shore leave!
February 28, 19, 25, 26 and March 5, 6
New Langton Arts Theatre
http://www.newlangtonarts.org/
1246 Folsom Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&countryid=US&addtohistory=&searchtab=address&searchtype=address&address=1246+Folsom+Street&city=san+francisco&state=ca&zipcode=94103&search=++Search++

Doors at 7:00pm show at 8pm. This will give you ample time to take full advantage of the BAR BABY!!!!!

Get you tickets TODAY, and gaze at wonderment at our new and improved Website by clicking the link below! DO IT NOW YOU SICK FUCKS!!!!!
http://www.singleentendre.org

This is the show that will finally answer the burning question “How much farther will these assholes go to get a laugh?”

Nothing will prepare you for the impending, gut rupturing hilarity that is currently on a collision course with your poor unsuspecting funny bone!

Disseminate riotously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Is it funny?

2005-01-10T18:07:25Z

Or just sick.

This is one of those bits that I (and my co-witers) find really funny, but just about every one I have shown it to thinks it goes over the line. It will never be preformed, but I read it and smile :)

Take a look guys, let me know what you think

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FAST FOOD

Doctor Buster Hymen enters.

Hymen: Hi. I’m doctor Buster Hymen, OBGYN and Nutritionist. Many people today are concerned about food and food safety. What’s good for you? What diet is good for your health? What food products are safe to feed to your children? What about salmonella? Clogged arteries? Staff? Mad Cow? Dysentery? Pink eye? What if I told you that there was a bountiful, healthy, untapped, food resource available to every American at dollar menu prices?

Mom and Dad have entered.

Dad: That sounds good to me AND my pocketbook!

Mom: If only my kids would eat healthy! I wish there was a quick and easy fast food alternative!

Dad: That sounds good to me AND my pocketbook!

Hymen: Well, have I got good news for you.

Mom: Please fucking tell us! We’re eager!

Hymen: Good news! There’s a new player in the fast food market!

He pulls out a bucket on his hand with a cloth over it. Mom and Dad get closer, about to dive in.

Hymen: Kentucky Fried Fetus!

Mom and Dad: What?!

Hymen: To tell you more about this exciting new leap in fast food technology allow me to introduce our official spokesman, Frankie the Franchisee Fetus!

Frankie comes out covered in goo with an umbilical chord boa, holding a twisted coat hanger.

Frankie: Hey Ho Ho! Howdy kids! I’m Frankie the Franchisee Fetus I’m the aborted sensation that’s sweeping the nation! The unwanted blob that tastes good in your gob! I’m the flushed fruit from your womb that makes your taste buds bloom!

Mom: Wow my ovaries are watering! Sounds delicious!

Hymen: And with abortion clinics around the country just throwing this stuff away we can pass the savings on to you!

Dad: That’s sounds good for me AND my pocket book!

Mom: But is it healthy for me and my children?

Frankie: Hey Ho Ho! Haven’t you heard about the magical properties of Stem Cells? It’s like wheat grass and yoga except it’s a delicious crispy dead baby!

Hymen: And it’s Atkins approved!

Frankie: Hey Ho Ho! Coming in your home town soon at your local Kentucky Fried Fetus Franchise, roasted garlic placenta polenta, stillborn salad and cracklin’ hot crack baby pop corn fetus!

Hymen: Only $3.99 for the super duper dumpster bucket!

Dad: That sounds good for me AND my…

Mom: Shut the fuck up and eat the fetus!

Hymen: Kentucky Fried Fetus, bringing families closer together, one beer battered baby at a time!

FIN.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 15 replies

On a roll!!!

2004-12-28T23:09:42Z

Well I was on one, Knocked out like 6 good Sketches in 2 weeks. BUT Last 2 sit downs have been busts.

So gang, what do you do to get back in to the writing zone, and what do you do to stay "hot"?

lets hear it. I have one more writing night before may end of the year deadline, would like to add at least one more rocker before then

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

Calling all cars...Calling all cars....

2004-10-16T02:37:10Z

Mkay so here's the thing.....(there's always a thing...)
I perform in a sketch comedy show called Big News!
(www.bignewsshow.com )
We put together a political sketch comedy show in less than 48 hours!!!!! It's "Saturday Night Live" meets “The Daily Show ”in a incredibly-fast-paced, half-hour romp through a week ’s worth of news. We do a different show each week (as in a completely different show with a new set of scripts and sketches every single Thursday night.) The week ’s news is unraveled in a new series of comedy sketches, song,... dance .....and visual aids....Okay, I think you guys get the idea....

This thing I'm doing is the theatrical brainchild of former Saturday Night Live writer (and Second City main stage alumnus) Michael C. McCarthy, he started this a couple years ago. We perform at The Improv Olympic here in LA.

Before we do a show, here ’s how a week of Big News happens: the Big News writing staff meets every Sunday evening without fail to discuss the headlines and politics and political ideas and current events. Then, they all grow into sketches and are then emailed to McCarthy every Monday evening. Then there is a “read through ”at McCarthy ’s home on Tuesday evening; and a running order is constructed by McCarthy as to what goes and what gets cut. With breaking news filtered in along the way, Wednesday the actors memorize lines, Thursday afternoon they rehearse, and every Thursday evening the show goes up without fail at eight.

HOWEVER.........

This is LA....and writers come and go....

SO.........

Here's your chance comedy writers. We've had our writers picked and taken and they work on other stuff so I'm opening it to all my lovelies on this tribe.

If you live in the LA area, on Sunday night @ 8pm in Improv Olympic's Black Box. The Addy is: 6366 Hollywood Boulevard, in between the Walk Of Fame stars of Paul Henreid and Andy Devine, in the heart of Hollywood. Go to the website for further info...

If you don't live here, that's fine...but here's the rules on submitting.....

A.) Your sketch MUST relate to NATIONAL NEWS!!! NO EXCEPTIONS! It's a political sketch comedy show....Politics politics politics....Right...left...moderate...dudn't matter..so long as it's political or it's headline news....yer gold....

B.) It Must be NO LONGER THAN 3 PAGES!! ..........3 and a half, yeah...I mean that's okay but past that and it's too long for the show and it'll get pitched. If you want it to make it in, make it 3. Oh funny is good too....

C.) Submits must be in either Rich Text, Word, or Final Draft.

D.) Submits must be no later than Monday, 10pm. After that...sorry Charlie....

E.) Political and CURRENT. We do a different show everyweek.

If you submit...and your submission was used.... you WILL be given credit in the program. (our program kinda is like The Onion, and people love it.)

ALL submits must be sent to: michaelmccarthy@bignewsshow.com

Once you become an established writer, yer face will be posted on our writer staff listing and you will be able to gain entrance to the forum where you can submit two liners and other fun stuff.

NOTICE: NONE OF THIS PAYS!!!!!! We can't pay anything, but the writers get picked up for stuff all the time so it's a great opportunity to get yer stuff seen.

Remember:

"The biggest sin in the world is to sit on your ass."
Eleanor Roosevelt

I wish you the best of luck if you wanna do this.

Stay dutch and keep writing,
M@

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Comedy in action!!!!

2004-09-09T23:59:37Z

Okay guys this is kind of a Spam move, since I am posting this everywhere, but this is something that I (and the rest of the cast) have been working very hard on for longer then I care to mention. I want to tell the world, and share with them the largest, and most personal artistic project I have ever been evolved in.

As I have mentioned to some of you, I have been working on creating a sketch comedy group with some long time, trusted, talented, and remarkably twisted cast mates. The product of which is proudly called Single Entendre! The last name in sketch comedy!

This is something that I can unequivocally pronounce will be unlike ANYTHING you have ever seen before from a sketch comedy group. That if nothing else is well worth the 10 bucks (or less with a limited time promo) it will take to get in the door.

It is running the first 2 weekends in October. The dates are the 1,2 8, and 9th at 8pm sharp at the Darkroom Theater 2263 Mission St (between 18th, and 19th). SF CA! We have people coming from as far as Boston to see us, so no bitching about distance. DON’T WAIT SPACE IS VERY LIMMITED!!!! Once the seats are gone, they are gone.

I have attached a link to our site please check it out. We even have some funny audio bits to wet your sick little appetites. You should check back often we will be adding some great stuff thanks to my awesome web designer!!!

http://www.singleentendre.org/

Thank you once again for taking the time to read this, and know that it would mean a lot to me if I could see all of you guys in the crowd

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

The sketch you Won’t see in our show.

2004-08-23T22:27:22Z

Well they other 2 that have been posted aren’t gonna make it in either (niggerette + Step daddy)

This is one me and Chad wrote, and fell in love with it, just to have our hopes crushed as Misha, and Dan informed us it was not funny. Majority rules, and we were dead locked, so it is dead meat, and now safe to post here. Please help, let me know what you think. Does it suck? Can it be saved? Or do you think it is Rocks?

Lay it on me my brethren

WARATHON

(Two men on stage. Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly.)

Ryan Seacrest: Hey! We’re back! And as always, I’m Ryan Seacrest! You know me from American Idol!

Carson Daly: And I’m Carson Daly! From TRL!

Ryan Seacrest: We’re making your world safer!

Carson Daly: Here on…

(Que theme music, they do silly choreographed dance)

Both: Warathon live!

Ryan: Funding your war on terror through the generous donations of working class patriots, just like you!

Carson: Wow! We’ve already raised 87 billion, but that’s not near our goal of the 1.5 trillion we need to truly secure your freedom.

Ryan: Everyone knows that there’s no way we can count on the pentagon to pay for it all…

Carson: Did you know they need to sustain themselves on a meager one third of the U.S. budget?

Ryan: We can’t rely on corporate America.

Carson: They have their shareholders to think about.

Ryan: We certainly can’t count on the U.N. or other world governments.

Carson: Don’t you read the papers? They hate us!

Ryan: So we have to rely on your generous donations to fuel the engine of war.

Carson: And your generous donations pay for more than your freedom, they also provide great family entertainment!

Ryan: But this entertainment doesn’t come cheap! So remember, the more you donate…

Carson: The more we can annihilate.

Ryan: But, Carson! If they support our noble genocide, what will they get?

Carson: Glad you asked, Ryan! For the starter pledge of 1000 dollars they’ll receive the dirty bomb evasion kit, complete with sturdy plastic wrap and guaranteed NASA duct tape!

Ryan: Scientifically proven to repel up to three percent of all radioactive material!

Carson: Or, for the standard 50,000-dollar pledge, you’ll receive the CIA home interrogation system. Now with 1,800 volt testicular freedom clamps…

Ryan: …you can finally find out if that suspicious 7-11 manager is actually the leader of an Al Quida sleeper cell.

Carson: Or if he’s just a hard working immigrant feeding a family of twelve.

Ryan And lastly, for the executive 1 million dollar pledge, you will receive a personalized launch code to your very own ICBM!

Carson: Pissed off that your job got outsourced to a third world country?

Ryan: Be like Ike!

Carson: Nuke your troubles away!

Ryan: Cause, chances are, if they have dark skin…

Carson: They’ve probable got…

Both: Dark morals!

Carson: It’s time to bring out our first guest!

Ryan: He’s an ex-CIA agent, who spent years in the Regan administration fighting for our war on drugs.

Carson: He’s retired now, and for the first time, he will display his comic stylings for you, our audience!

Ryan: Let’s give a big homeland security welcome to…

Both: Phillip (parenthetical quotations)”the nose” Metauski.

(Big hand.)

(Phillip enters.)

Phillip: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and germ-warfares. Lemme tell ya! I just flew in from Columbia and boy, is my nose tired!

(Sniffs prison style off of his hand. Ryan and Carson laugh.)

Phillip: Wow that’s some good flake! Smells like a coup! Ha ha ha…you know kids! I’m back, fresh off our last cyclical war of propaganda. (sniffs other hand) “No hablo moderation.” (sniffs coke again off other hand) And speaking of drug money, last week, Dubya and I were going over lines from my Bolivia report. Know what I found out?! The U.S. had been giving the Taliban millions in support for years to help them fight our war on drugs since they deeply oppose the opium trade! Just think! Our war on drugs funded their war on us! Drugs for terror! This material writes itself, people! (he laughs maniacally then takes another sniff)

Ryan: Hoookay, Phil, I think that cane is fucking with your brain!

Phillip: Wait wait wait! Knock knock!

Carson: Who’s there?

Phillip: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan!

Ryan: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan who?

Phillip: Was funded and built by the U.S. to help fight the Soviets! (they are pushing him off) No, wait! Let me finish! This is funny stuff! Pure comedy!

Phillip exits.

Carson: Well, now that Phillip “the nose” Metauski. is backstage receiving his much needed reprogramming…

(Gunshot!)

Ryan: We’ll move onto our next guest feature. The Johnson family, who has found an innovative way to support our war against the enemies of freedom.

(Enter Johnsons. Jimmy Dean Johnson and Little Jimmy Johnson.)

Carson: Let me introduce the first private sponsor of a United States Cruise Missle. Jimmy Dean Johnson and, of course, little Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: I eat terrorists for breakfast!

Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Mr. Ryan Seacrest! The Big Johnson One has been launched and is on route to Baghdad as we speak!

Ryan: What have you seen and read that has inspired you to strive to such heights of patriotism?

Jimmy Dean: Well, first off, I don’t let Little Jimmy read.

Jimmy Johnson: Reading’s unpatriotical!

Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Jimmy Jr.! I just trust in FOX News, our Christian Lord, and the Republican Party to guide me. Why make decisions when these folks are paid good to think for me!?

Carson: Wait, Jimmy!

Both Jimmys: What?

Carson: (finger to his ear) Looks like your sponsored cruise missle has just annihilated a uranium enrichment plant …or possibly a preschool!

Ryan: How do you feel right now?

Jimmy Dean: Hearing news like that makes it so much easier to accept that I just got down sized.

Jimmy Johnson: Or that I’ve got 87 kids in my fourth grade class.

Jimmy Dean: Or that Granny’s back on cat food since her social security’s been revoked!

Carson: God bless you, patriots. Without you, there would be no voter base to placate with religious dogma.

Ryan: The Johnson family, ladies and gentlemen!

Carson: We’ve got WWE and NASCAR playing for you in the green room!

Jimmy Dean and Jimmy Johnson: WOO-HOO!

Ryan: Now, looking at the big board, we’ve finally topped the ninety billion mark! You know that tax rebate the Bush gave you early in his presidency?

Carson: Yeah, well, we kinda need that back now.

Ryan: Did you know that it costs 1.5 million dollars to kill one terrorist?

Carson: But, killing that one terrorist causes so much collateral damage and civil unrest, we create at least ten new terrorists to take his place!

Ryan: That’s over 15 million dollars! But kill those ten terrorists and we’ve created one hundred more! After those one hundred are killed we’re onto one thousand, and those one thousand create ten thousand, and those ten thousand create one hundred thousand and after we wax those hundred thousand we’re onto one million!

Carson: And to kill 1 million terrorists it takes 1.5 Trillion dollars. Which brings us back to our goal!

Ryan: So you see, killing one Terrorist ends up costing the U.S. 1.5 Trillion dollars!

Carson: It’s now time to introduce our next guest! A man who is on the front lines of our war against high gas prices (gets elbowed by Ryan)…uh and freedom?

Ryan: That man is…

Both: General Leigh N' Merals.

(General Leigh N' Merals enters.)

General: Thank you Ryan and Carson! You know, we’ve accomplished many great things in our war against terror. But! Have we secured your freedom? Hell no! We’ve got brand new smart bombs and billion dollar defense contracts just waiting to insure your liberty! Pop quiz! Who’s one of the largest nuclear powers in the world? Carson!

Carson: United States?

General: Yes, but…Ryan!

Ryan: Russian black market?

General: Yeah, but…Carson!

Carson: Israel?

General: Yeah, yeah, we know, but…Ryan!

Ryan: China?

General: Okay, yes, that’s true, but…no! You’re missing the point! France! What about France, ladies and gentlemen! They’re socialist, and they got nukes, goddammit! Am I the only one seeing this!?

Carson: Are you saying that France is part of the axis of evil, General?

Ryan: Dude, Axis of evil is soooo nineteen forties!

General: That’s your Grandpa’s evil, son! We’re entered the age of the MAXIS of EVIL! Yeah, we already got Iran, Iraq and South Korea. But what about France! What about Bahrain! What about Canada!?

Carson: Wait, Canada!?

General: Don’t you know, boy? They got stockpiles of WMD’s!!!

Ryan: Canada has weapons of mass destructions?

General: No you frosty haired homo! Wherehouses of Maple Distribution! Just think of the war profits we could reap! I mean, who doesn’t love a good stack of silver dollar flapjacks!? ‘Specially when they’re dripping with loads of good old fashioned liberated American freedom syrup!

Carson: General, we’ve been Warathoning for two years strait.

Ryan: When will we finally be safe?

General: Well, let me show you!

The General pulls down a world map. Every country is red except for Israel, Britain, U.S. and all of Africa.

General: You see here, all the countries in red are in line for immediate U.S. led nation building.

Carson: I see that Africa is the only continent that’s not colored blood red, General.

General: Boy, there ain’t no money to be made there! That’s a fool’s errand! Shit! Next you’ll be asking me to declare war on poverty! That won’t do dick for my stock portfolio. You see, I believe this plan will not only insure our national freedom, but also secure my lucrative post military position at the Bectel Corporation.

Carson: Well, thank you so much for joining us general, you’ve showed us just how much work still lies ahead.

General: I do it for the children, the third world children…that work in my sweatshops.

General exits.

Ryan: Stay tuned for the OPEC orchestra featuring the barrel ballet in their rendition of, “I bought me a president!”

Carson: And after that, stick around for the Iraqi prisoner human butt pyramid! Coming up next on SEN!

(LIGHTS OUT)

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 6 replies

Anyone Alive?

2004-08-02T03:33:29Z

Anyone still alive in here or all you busy watching Last COmic Standing?

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 19 replies

A place where two people may meet...

2004-07-19T22:38:26Z

For some reason I am no longer funny, I need help...

I am looking to work on a piece but I need to ask you guys for a list of the wierdest places for two people to meet...

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 12 replies

nothing

2004-07-03T02:01:15Z

Hey

I've been having trouble self starting lately when it comes to comedy. I helped write a couple Single Entendre sketches in the last couple weeks, but for those I have been relying on the Genius of Rey and Chad to keep me going. I need to find the spark to write something on my own again. I can't share the spotlight with these hacks! What can this tribe do for me?

-Rick :-)

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

I LOVE REY!!!!!!!

2004-06-26T01:02:09Z

I would like to take this opportunity to Let you know how much I admire and respect Rey! The man the myth the legend!

Not only is he remarkably attractive (so much so that I have been continually forced to question my own sexuality) but he also possesses a mind that is nothing short of a marvel!

I know I am intelligent, well read, educated, and wise in my way, and for most of my life I felt I was at or near the top of the intellectual heap so to speak. Then I met Rey…what a humbling experience.

I for one have decided to dedicate my life to studying under this Master. I have quit my job, and sold my house to help fund the Church of Rey. I now ask all of you to join me in selling your positions, and devote your meager lives to what very well may be the second coming of Christ himself.

Thank you are for reading this.

Humbly yours T-Rey Butt-Ray-ler

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

More offensive than Nigarette...

2004-06-16T05:42:42Z

OK, so Monday night Rey challenged me and said I wouldn't have the juevos to post what he considers far more offensive than anything he's written. Depite now being sober, I said I'd do it then, and I'll still do it now.

So thanks to Rey, you may now partake of "Step Daddy." (all rights reserved, currently in use by Single Entendre)

----

<Father sitting reclined, bottle of cheap beer open at his side as he reads through some porn>

Daughter <dressed to look young - comes in and stands watching F reading>

F: What do you want?

D: Where’s mommy?

F: Working late.

D: <pause> Why is she always working and you never do?

F: Because your mommy isn’t lucky enough to get unemployment.

D: Oh. What’s unemployment?

F: It’s where the state sends you a check every two weeks for pretending to look for work and going to strip clubs.

D: Why doesn’t mommy get unemployment too?

F: Because lap dances don’t pay for themselves, and someone has to make up the extra.

D: Oh… <F begins taking a drink> Daddy, I think my body is changing…

F: <spitting> What?

D: I’m starting to get boobies. See?

F: Uh, yeah… real nice… With luck you won’t be flat chested like your mother.

D: Daddy, where do babies come from?

F: I told you before, don’t call me “daddy”, call me Rick. And why don’t you ask your mother when she gets home.

D: ‘Cause when she gets home you guys always lock yourself in your room and play.

F: Hehehe, yeah. Your mom’s a horny little bitch sometimes.

D: Will I grow up to be a horny little bitch too?

F: Well, if you’re lucky. Men like horny little bitches. Just remember to let them do anything they want and you’ll be very popular.

D: So where do babies come from?

F: Uhhh… I still think you should ask your mom.

D: But she’s not here, and I want to know. Susie says a stork brings them, and Monica says that they grow underneath trailers.

F: Well, Susie and Monica are both full of shit. Don’t they teach you this stuff in school?

D: They’re supposed to, but I heard the principal say that they can’t because the religious pricks on the city council have their heads up their ass.

F: Well… I still think you should ask your mother.

D: But I want to know now!

F: Ask your…

D: Please???

F: Fine… OK… Well, it’s like this. When a boy and a girl, or a boy and a couple girls all like each other a lot they go get drunk together. Or sometimes they’ll do some blow. Then after they all kiss, the girls start getting naked and playing with each other, and then they give the guy a blowjob.

D: What’s a blowjob?

F: It’s when good little girls suck on a boy’s dick. Here, like this <points to picture in magazine>

D: Oh…

F: Then after they have him all nice and hard they get on their hands and knees and let him stick his dick into whatever hole he wants to fuck. Like this picture here, or this one here.

D: That looks like her bottom, daddy…

F: Don’t call me daddy, and it is. See, she’s better than other girls because she knows there’s three different ways she can make a man happy.

D: Oh! That sounds pretty smart!

F: Exactly! Then they all bounce around a lot until the boy has had enough, then he dumps a load all over her face, like in this picture here. Then the girls clean each other off, like this one, while the boy rests and gets ready to do it again.

D: But how are the babies made?

F: Well, if the guy dumps his load into her and forgets to wear a rubber then God curses him with a kid, and for 9 months he can’t get any from the girl and then has to pay for his mistake the rest of his life.

D: Oh… that sounds bad…

F: It is, so always remember to carry rubbers with you, it’s the girl’s responsibility.

D: OK, I’ll always remember that!

F: <getting back to reading magazine> Good, now run along and start experimenting with Susie and Monica.

D: They’re both grounded…

F: Oh…

D: Can you show me how to give a blowjob?

F: No.

D: Please???

F: Do you promise not to tell mommy?

D: Yes, Rick.

F: OK, let’s go… And call me Daddy.

<exit>

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

Duck Receipe

2004-06-03T12:22:41Z

I was trying to fix a duck on an open fire.. it was just not salty
enough. So i got out my can of Morton salt from the cupboard, i
knocked over my blah blah burger mix, i was trying to get that up.
then someone knocked on the door. I had to run to the door (and the
duck is still on the open flame) it was the UPS man with my new book
by L Ron Hubbard. I just had to read up on what happens next in that
scientology wacko story with tom cruise and Nicole Kidman.
After I got the book, signed this electronic gizmo that I didn't want
to sign because it captures your signature and faxes it to the CIA and
they can track you with them satellites up in the sky.. i relented
and signed it as "Dr. Joe Blasmershismtskyloginghamno" hoping to
overload the thing with to many characters and hiding my Identity.
anyways i swept up the blah blah burger mix, then I go! WOAH i need
to day tade my stock! after all I am a Day Tader!!!! after I bough
4000 shares in A BIG company ! I go HOLY SHAZAM! I forgot the DUCK! I
ran quickly and freaked.. I couldn't remember if i had but salt on it
or not. I had only used 3 tablespoons of salt before this container..
so I quickly measured how much was in the round container.. it seems 5
was missing.. I called my wife.. asked her if she had used any.. she
said she had for her breakfast yesterday.. I informed her if she was
to use the salt to mark on the box how much she used.. she said she
was sorry and we said our goodbyes and she went on with her teaching
at the local high school (it took her 15 minutes to get to the
phone!!!!) this time i almost forgot about the other missing
tablespoon.. I called my brother who was over last week if he had used
any... no luck there... then I remember my dog.. of course he can't
speak so no luck there... then I ask by sister who sneaks in my house
and takes my copy of Time all the Time.. and replaces it with Life. I
hate life,, no not MY life.. but the magazine.. to many pictures.. I
need facts...
then I remember I left my National Geographic in the bathroom and it
gets humid and wet when people take a shower... well I was reading it
on the crapper... but I must read it! it helps the body fluids flow...
and keeps my dog a Happy Dog. (don;t ask why, he gets off on me
passing body fluids... he is hell getting out of the bed when my wife
is actually at home and not at her "friends" house she met on AOL. I
don't know what she does over at that woman's house.. she takes these
weird items over that look like plastic hotdogs with veins.. not
sure.. and she always takes the KY over too.. and she always comes
home tired.. I tell her she should let that woman work her so hard..
then I ran back to the kitchen after remember about the duck on the
open fire.. and the missing table spoon of salt.. my Cousin calls and
says that she borrowed a tablespoon of salt and a cup of sugar for her
coffee, i lecture her in marking to container and she says she will
comply in the future.. so I then know I haven't used any salt.. i
decided to pour some on the duck to make it salt a bit.. ad flavor..
and when i turn the container over.. it starts to burn! ther is a
large hole and all the salt falls onto the Duck.. I start quickly
trying to lick it off, but all I do is burn my tongue and i talk funny
now when someone calls trying to sell a magazine, they think I said
yes now I have a 5 year subscription to Grit.. and I don't even it
grits.. why do I need a complete magazine on Girts??? all i know is my
duck is now on fire.. I try to pour some of my Whiskey on it (hey I
like a glass when I cook? doesn't every guy? but WOWZERS!!!! it starts
a flare up and now i have this large fire on.. i get some water put it
out... but now the open flame i was roasting the duck over is
out!!!!!! i try lighting the fire again but no luck it is way to wet
to start anything... then I get an idea... i have some nail polish I
was using from last night (ok ok ok my wife get kinky and likes to
paint my nails...I think she likes girls better and wants me to become
one. I seem to be growing tities.. she always begs me to eat my
oatmeal... ) anyway i pour that under it. thinking this shouldnt harm
anything.. and light it... WOAH!!!! you have never seen such sparks
and flames shoot up... you would think a gas stove would do this!!!
by this time my neighbors are coming over for lunch... and i had to
quickly put the fire out... I grab the Whiskey AGAIN!!!!!!!!! what a
day... I finally put the water on it get it out.. I run to the
bathroom with the duck.. use the hair dryer.. but it blows off all the
salt! I cant believe it.... so I fund these bath salts.. and put on
the duck... and run to the kitchen and serve it....

they had the nerve to say it was a bit salty but it was ok...

so use this recipe and less salt.. and make your guests happy!!!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Yes, You too will have Nightmares!

2004-06-01T20:38:35Z

Wrote this in under 5 minutes..
---

Transvesite Tattoed Lesbian Smurfs

No. Just no.

Maybe Say no?

Naaah Don't say no the tattooed smurfs will not like that on their
breasts.
That is right. Transvesite Smurfs. They Exist. Everywhere.. even in
pr0n. You can't avoid it.. One day you will be eating dinner and you
will see them. On the news, on Inside Edition or maybe even on "Best
week ever" Who knows. Maybe VH1 will put the Transvesite Tattoed
Lesbian Smurfs on as having a best week ever! I hear the Transvesite
Tattoed Married Lesbian Smurfs will try out for American Idol. Can you
Imagine a Transvesite Tattoed Married Mother Lesbian Smurfs with three
children as winning the Complete show? The HORROR as they might sing
Imagine by John Lenon! (better than a song from Lenin!) I would be in
shock! That would rock! that would be the most greatest thing ever
since sliced bread, ok well maybe pre-cut hot dog buns. They have Bread
Slicers in Germany you know. They cut bread. They eat bread. OH NO! The
Transvesite Tattoed Married Mother Lesbian Smurfs with three children
are eating bread with brique cheese! We can not have this happen! They
will use their Gmail accounts to talk about gspots and hook up with
people to help them reach their gspots on Okrut.com We can not have
let that happen! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't ever do that that would
be evil! They may play poker all day on ESPN. They will require padding
to play poker when they introduce geting sacked when you lose a hand.

But in all, do you really want to see a Transvesite Tattoed Married
Mother Lesbian Smurfs with three children?

In all you never thought today, when you worke up you would see a post
like this.

Tell Vh1 you want Transvesite Tattoed Lesbian Smurfs to have BEST WEEK
EVER!

L.K.M.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 1 reply

My most offensive sketch

2004-06-01T06:39:09Z

Okay you asked for it. Let me know what you think...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Niggertte gum

Narrator: Has this ever happened to you?

Cracker: (Decked out in sagging pants, Basketball jersey, Hat on sideways, Bling bling. Horn rim glasses, pocket protector, Pink sweater tied around shoulders.) (Spoken in Dorky white boy voice) Well gee…when I first started finding all those 50-cent albums and beyond seven condoms lying around the house…I should have known something was a miss. But then when several members of the Portland trail blazers started showing up at the house I knew something was terribly wrong. I tried to give Susan the benefit of the doubt, but after the birth of my first son Jamal Rashid Smith…(show picture of black baby) I Know, I wanted to name him Phillip. I realized, much to my chagrin, that my wife was hopelessly hooked on Huge Black Cock…

Narrator: If you are anything like the millions of modestly endowed Caucasian males whose wives have discovered the endless wonders, superior dance moves and sexual ecstasy of the ebony anaconda this story may sound familiar to you…

Cracker: I’ve done every thing. Purchased the finest in urban contemporary apparel, spent thousands on state of the art pumps and penile extensions, endured hours in tanning salons and even applied for welfare. I’ve studied tirelessly their ethnic vernacular. “Fa’shizzil my’nizzil, holla if you got five on this dope ass Hamburg 68 chardonnay…word to your mother?”

Narrator: If you are like Kip here, you’re willing to try anything. Well at last there’s hope. We here at Klein, Klein & Klein…(under breath) formally Klan Co have developed a solution to finally free your “Cave Bitch” from her obsession with deep dark sexual chocolate. We now offer this revolutionary twelve inch…er..uh…Twelve step program without a prescription. Introducing Niggerette Gum!

Susan: I love the big black cock. I can’t help it, once you’ve had the double dark espresso, you can’t go back to a vanilla latte. But now every time I feel the urge to hit up shug knight on his pager, I just pop a delicious square of Niggerette gum and settle down on the sofa with kip and watch the Friends marathon…(She pops one in her mouth and chews) wow…you can really taste the nigger.

Cracker: Thank you Niggerette! You’ve saved my marriage.

Narrator: And look out for more stimulating products from Klein, Klein & Klein like the “Spick-Be-Gone Wet Back Abatement System” and the new and improved “Jew Away Powder” now not just for ovens anymore, it’s microwave safe! And of course the Niggerette suppository available in convenient 9 inch or 12 inch applicators…(under Breath) pending FDA and NAACP approval. Niggerette, Keeping whitey safe from sexual humiliation for over 25 years!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 7 replies

Hi......

2004-05-30T05:04:11Z

My name is Jessica.........
and I haven't been funny in 3 days...........

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 16 replies

Concept problem

2004-05-28T18:14:40Z

I have an idea for a piece, but I don't know if it is too offensive... How high a threshhold for being offensive is there in comedy? Even if it is really smart...

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 11 replies

Skit coming soon

2004-05-22T04:12:49Z

I think I will post my short-story I wrote last year. It's about a 1-2 pager. Maybe a 5-10 min skit on a stage, perhaps more since It was never meant to be a thing to be performed when I wrote it.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Writing assignment.

2004-04-23T17:40:36Z

This might get things going on this tribe.

Your assignment this week is to come up with a sketch or song about the noises old people make.

Winner gets a shiney, new Attaboy.

Big Mike

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 10 replies

Marty's bday today!

2004-04-02T17:57:35Z

Wish him a good one!

-T.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 0 replies

Re: I pray...

2004-03-31T19:46:11Z

I pray to Bozo, god of low comedy, that someday I come up with something as funny as this.

http://www.suburban-trunkmonkey.com/

I GOTTA get one...

Bubba

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 4 replies

Let’s get something started

2004-03-30T16:52:39Z

Okay guys (and gals) I have brought you are here as my brain trust, because you are, have, or will write comedy. Whether it is funny songs, shows, sketch, stand up, or letters. You guys are on the front lines of funny, the Trenches of tickle, the bowls of...well you get the idea

So tell us what are you working on now? How is it going? What are some of your writing goals? May you just want to bask in some past success (no matter how mediocre) also if any of you have tips on fighting writers block, pass em on!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 23 replies

My First Sketch

2004-03-27T06:43:06Z

I just wrote my first sketch! Woo-hoo. All it took was hard work, dedication, Rey harping on my ass, and a bottle of Bourbon.

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 8 replies

New sketch

2004-03-26T23:26:23Z

Hi guys,

This is a sketch I've been doodling with. Any critques?

Bubba

Tweaker Rock
By Mike Hyde

Dramatis Personae:
Announcer 1
Announcer 2

[Performed in a high intensity style, like those late night rock anthology ads]

Ann. 1: We brought you Sixties rock!

Ann 2: We brought you Seventies rock!

Ann 1: We even brought you Thirties Rock!

Ann 2: But now, Kay-Smell records brings the ultimate classic rock album,

Both: Tweaker Rock!

Ann 1: You’ll get such hits as Freebird,

Ann 2: Sweet Home Alabama,

Ann 1: Gimme Three Steps

Ann 2: Freebird

Ann 1: Stairway to Heaven

Ann2: The Immigrant Song

Ann 1: Freebird

Both: and FREEBIRD!

Ann 1: Plus, you’ll get this special bonus album by that Tweaker duo, Terry and Ernie

Ann 2: With those great tweaker love ballads, such as I Love My Camaro

Ann 1: I Love My Mullet

Ann 2: It Makes the World Burn Brighter

Ann 1: Mowing at 3AM.

Ann 2: Up for Three Days

Ann 1: What Are You looking at, Asshole?

Ann 2: Are They Following Me?

Ann 1: I’m Not Paranoid!

Ann 2: I Don’t Have a Problem, You Have the Problem.

Ann 1: I Can Handle It

Ann 2: You Suck!

Ann 1: No, You Suck!

Both: and FREEBIRD!!

Ann 1: Send 9.95 if you want it, 10.95 if you don’t to

Ann 2: Inmate 88562, Folsom Prison

Both: Do it! Just do it, man!

posted in The frustrated comedy writer - 5 replies

The frustrated comedy writer's topics - tribe.net

Get out and steal some new material!

Hello my frustrated ones

The Delicate Balance

Started a blog to gradually post all of my Bravo Situation: Comedy entry

Comedy Comic Book Novel

this is what killed comedy

another new series

summary of interrogation

NEW TRIBE SECOND CITY COMEDY IMPROV

Comedy Writing comes to life

Comedy Comic Book writer--seeks assistance.

tv spot

breaking news

the science of the sitcom

Will Franken Live This Weekend!

Book, Movie, Television show ... funniest line EVER in your opinion

more competitors

Tell me ... what IS funny?

Writting exercise!

we are not funnier than real life

And one more...

a question

PlayStations of the Cross

Shorter Version of 'The Passion' to Open

Need some inspiration?

scene for a film

off the Snide

Better then the stuff I post here

Is it funny?

On a roll!!!

Calling all cars...Calling all cars....

Comedy in action!!!!

The sketch you Won’t see in our show.

Anyone Alive?

A place where two people may meet...

*nothing*

I LOVE REY!!!!!!!

More offensive than Nigarette...

Duck Receipe

Yes, You too will have Nightmares!

My most offensive sketch

Hi......

Concept problem

Skit coming soon

Writing assignment.

Marty's bday today!

Re: I pray...

Let’s get something started

My First Sketch

New sketch

nothing