Well they other 2 that have been posted aren’t gonna make it in either (niggerette + Step daddy)
This is one me and Chad wrote, and fell in love with it, just to have our hopes crushed as Misha, and Dan informed us it was not funny. Majority rules, and we were dead locked, so it is dead meat, and now safe to post here. Please help, let me know what you think. Does it suck? Can it be saved? Or do you think it is Rocks?
Lay it on me my brethren
WARATHON
(Two men on stage. Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly.)
Ryan Seacrest: Hey! We’re back! And as always, I’m Ryan Seacrest! You know me from American Idol!
Carson Daly: And I’m Carson Daly! From TRL!
Ryan Seacrest: We’re making your world safer!
Carson Daly: Here on…
(Que theme music, they do silly choreographed dance)
Both: Warathon live!
Ryan: Funding your war on terror through the generous donations of working class patriots, just like you!
Carson: Wow! We’ve already raised 87 billion, but that’s not near our goal of the 1.5 trillion we need to truly secure your freedom.
Ryan: Everyone knows that there’s no way we can count on the pentagon to pay for it all…
Carson: Did you know they need to sustain themselves on a meager one third of the U.S. budget?
Ryan: We can’t rely on corporate America.
Carson: They have their shareholders to think about.
Ryan: We certainly can’t count on the U.N. or other world governments.
Carson: Don’t you read the papers? They hate us!
Ryan: So we have to rely on your generous donations to fuel the engine of war.
Carson: And your generous donations pay for more than your freedom, they also provide great family entertainment!
Ryan: But this entertainment doesn’t come cheap! So remember, the more you donate…
Carson: The more we can annihilate.
Ryan: But, Carson! If they support our noble genocide, what will they get?
Carson: Glad you asked, Ryan! For the starter pledge of 1000 dollars they’ll receive the dirty bomb evasion kit, complete with sturdy plastic wrap and guaranteed NASA duct tape!
Ryan: Scientifically proven to repel up to three percent of all radioactive material!
Carson: Or, for the standard 50,000-dollar pledge, you’ll receive the CIA home interrogation system. Now with 1,800 volt testicular freedom clamps…
Ryan: …you can finally find out if that suspicious 7-11 manager is actually the leader of an Al Quida sleeper cell.
Carson: Or if he’s just a hard working immigrant feeding a family of twelve.
Ryan And lastly, for the executive 1 million dollar pledge, you will receive a personalized launch code to your very own ICBM!
Carson: Pissed off that your job got outsourced to a third world country?
Ryan: Be like Ike!
Carson: Nuke your troubles away!
Ryan: Cause, chances are, if they have dark skin…
Carson: They’ve probable got…
Both: Dark morals!
Carson: It’s time to bring out our first guest!
Ryan: He’s an ex-CIA agent, who spent years in the Regan administration fighting for our war on drugs.
Carson: He’s retired now, and for the first time, he will display his comic stylings for you, our audience!
Ryan: Let’s give a big homeland security welcome to…
Both: Phillip (parenthetical quotations)”the nose” Metauski.
(Big hand.)
(Phillip enters.)
Phillip: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and germ-warfares. Lemme tell ya! I just flew in from Columbia and boy, is my nose tired!
(Sniffs prison style off of his hand. Ryan and Carson laugh.)
Phillip: Wow that’s some good flake! Smells like a coup! Ha ha ha…you know kids! I’m back, fresh off our last cyclical war of propaganda. (sniffs other hand) “No hablo moderation.” (sniffs coke again off other hand) And speaking of drug money, last week, Dubya and I were going over lines from my Bolivia report. Know what I found out?! The U.S. had been giving the Taliban millions in support for years to help them fight our war on drugs since they deeply oppose the opium trade! Just think! Our war on drugs funded their war on us! Drugs for terror! This material writes itself, people! (he laughs maniacally then takes another sniff)
Ryan: Hoookay, Phil, I think that cane is fucking with your brain!
Phillip: Wait wait wait! Knock knock!
Carson: Who’s there?
Phillip: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan!
Ryan: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan who?
Phillip: Was funded and built by the U.S. to help fight the Soviets! (they are pushing him off) No, wait! Let me finish! This is funny stuff! Pure comedy!
Phillip exits.
Carson: Well, now that Phillip “the nose” Metauski. is backstage receiving his much needed reprogramming…
(Gunshot!)
Ryan: We’ll move onto our next guest feature. The Johnson family, who has found an innovative way to support our war against the enemies of freedom.
(Enter Johnsons. Jimmy Dean Johnson and Little Jimmy Johnson.)
Carson: Let me introduce the first private sponsor of a United States Cruise Missle. Jimmy Dean Johnson and, of course, little Jimmy Johnson.
Jimmy Johnson: I eat terrorists for breakfast!
Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Mr. Ryan Seacrest! The Big Johnson One has been launched and is on route to Baghdad as we speak!
Ryan: What have you seen and read that has inspired you to strive to such heights of patriotism?
Jimmy Dean: Well, first off, I don’t let Little Jimmy read.
Jimmy Johnson: Reading’s unpatriotical!
Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Jimmy Jr.! I just trust in FOX News, our Christian Lord, and the Republican Party to guide me. Why make decisions when these folks are paid good to think for me!?
Carson: Wait, Jimmy!
Both Jimmys: What?
Carson: (finger to his ear) Looks like your sponsored cruise missle has just annihilated a uranium enrichment plant …or possibly a preschool!
Ryan: How do you feel right now?
Jimmy Dean: Hearing news like that makes it so much easier to accept that I just got down sized.
Jimmy Johnson: Or that I’ve got 87 kids in my fourth grade class.
Jimmy Dean: Or that Granny’s back on cat food since her social security’s been revoked!
Carson: God bless you, patriots. Without you, there would be no voter base to placate with religious dogma.
Ryan: The Johnson family, ladies and gentlemen!
Carson: We’ve got WWE and NASCAR playing for you in the green room!
Jimmy Dean and Jimmy Johnson: WOO-HOO!
Ryan: Now, looking at the big board, we’ve finally topped the ninety billion mark! You know that tax rebate the Bush gave you early in his presidency?
Carson: Yeah, well, we kinda need that back now.
Ryan: Did you know that it costs 1.5 million dollars to kill one terrorist?
Carson: But, killing that one terrorist causes so much collateral damage and civil unrest, we create at least ten new terrorists to take his place!
Ryan: That’s over 15 million dollars! But kill those ten terrorists and we’ve created one hundred more! After those one hundred are killed we’re onto one thousand, and those one thousand create ten thousand, and those ten thousand create one hundred thousand and after we wax those hundred thousand we’re onto one million!
Carson: And to kill 1 million terrorists it takes 1.5 Trillion dollars. Which brings us back to our goal!
Ryan: So you see, killing one Terrorist ends up costing the U.S. 1.5 Trillion dollars!
Carson: It’s now time to introduce our next guest! A man who is on the front lines of our war against high gas prices (gets elbowed by Ryan)…uh and freedom?
Ryan: That man is…
Both: General Leigh N' Merals.
(General Leigh N' Merals enters.)
General: Thank you Ryan and Carson! You know, we’ve accomplished many great things in our war against terror. But! Have we secured your freedom? Hell no! We’ve got brand new smart bombs and billion dollar defense contracts just waiting to insure your liberty! Pop quiz! Who’s one of the largest nuclear powers in the world? Carson!
Carson: United States?
General: Yes, but…Ryan!
Ryan: Russian black market?
General: Yeah, but…Carson!
Carson: Israel?
General: Yeah, yeah, we know, but…Ryan!
Ryan: China?
General: Okay, yes, that’s true, but…no! You’re missing the point! France! What about France, ladies and gentlemen! They’re socialist, and they got nukes, goddammit! Am I the only one seeing this!?
Carson: Are you saying that France is part of the axis of evil, General?
Ryan: Dude, Axis of evil is soooo nineteen forties!
General: That’s your Grandpa’s evil, son! We’re entered the age of the MAXIS of EVIL! Yeah, we already got Iran, Iraq and South Korea. But what about France! What about Bahrain! What about Canada!?
Carson: Wait, Canada!?
General: Don’t you know, boy? They got stockpiles of WMD’s!!!
Ryan: Canada has weapons of mass destructions?
General: No you frosty haired homo! Wherehouses of Maple Distribution! Just think of the war profits we could reap! I mean, who doesn’t love a good stack of silver dollar flapjacks!? ‘Specially when they’re dripping with loads of good old fashioned liberated American freedom syrup!
Carson: General, we’ve been Warathoning for two years strait.
Ryan: When will we finally be safe?
General: Well, let me show you!
The General pulls down a world map. Every country is red except for Israel, Britain, U.S. and all of Africa.
General: You see here, all the countries in red are in line for immediate U.S. led nation building.
Carson: I see that Africa is the only continent that’s not colored blood red, General.
General: Boy, there ain’t no money to be made there! That’s a fool’s errand! Shit! Next you’ll be asking me to declare war on poverty! That won’t do dick for my stock portfolio. You see, I believe this plan will not only insure our national freedom, but also secure my lucrative post military position at the Bectel Corporation.
Carson: Well, thank you so much for joining us general, you’ve showed us just how much work still lies ahead.
General: I do it for the children, the third world children…that work in my sweatshops.
General exits.
Ryan: Stay tuned for the OPEC orchestra featuring the barrel ballet in their rendition of, “I bought me a president!”
Carson: And after that, stick around for the Iraqi prisoner human butt pyramid! Coming up next on SEN!
(LIGHTS OUT)
This is one me and Chad wrote, and fell in love with it, just to have our hopes crushed as Misha, and Dan informed us it was not funny. Majority rules, and we were dead locked, so it is dead meat, and now safe to post here. Please help, let me know what you think. Does it suck? Can it be saved? Or do you think it is Rocks?
Lay it on me my brethren
WARATHON
(Two men on stage. Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly.)
Ryan Seacrest: Hey! We’re back! And as always, I’m Ryan Seacrest! You know me from American Idol!
Carson Daly: And I’m Carson Daly! From TRL!
Ryan Seacrest: We’re making your world safer!
Carson Daly: Here on…
(Que theme music, they do silly choreographed dance)
Both: Warathon live!
Ryan: Funding your war on terror through the generous donations of working class patriots, just like you!
Carson: Wow! We’ve already raised 87 billion, but that’s not near our goal of the 1.5 trillion we need to truly secure your freedom.
Ryan: Everyone knows that there’s no way we can count on the pentagon to pay for it all…
Carson: Did you know they need to sustain themselves on a meager one third of the U.S. budget?
Ryan: We can’t rely on corporate America.
Carson: They have their shareholders to think about.
Ryan: We certainly can’t count on the U.N. or other world governments.
Carson: Don’t you read the papers? They hate us!
Ryan: So we have to rely on your generous donations to fuel the engine of war.
Carson: And your generous donations pay for more than your freedom, they also provide great family entertainment!
Ryan: But this entertainment doesn’t come cheap! So remember, the more you donate…
Carson: The more we can annihilate.
Ryan: But, Carson! If they support our noble genocide, what will they get?
Carson: Glad you asked, Ryan! For the starter pledge of 1000 dollars they’ll receive the dirty bomb evasion kit, complete with sturdy plastic wrap and guaranteed NASA duct tape!
Ryan: Scientifically proven to repel up to three percent of all radioactive material!
Carson: Or, for the standard 50,000-dollar pledge, you’ll receive the CIA home interrogation system. Now with 1,800 volt testicular freedom clamps…
Ryan: …you can finally find out if that suspicious 7-11 manager is actually the leader of an Al Quida sleeper cell.
Carson: Or if he’s just a hard working immigrant feeding a family of twelve.
Ryan And lastly, for the executive 1 million dollar pledge, you will receive a personalized launch code to your very own ICBM!
Carson: Pissed off that your job got outsourced to a third world country?
Ryan: Be like Ike!
Carson: Nuke your troubles away!
Ryan: Cause, chances are, if they have dark skin…
Carson: They’ve probable got…
Both: Dark morals!
Carson: It’s time to bring out our first guest!
Ryan: He’s an ex-CIA agent, who spent years in the Regan administration fighting for our war on drugs.
Carson: He’s retired now, and for the first time, he will display his comic stylings for you, our audience!
Ryan: Let’s give a big homeland security welcome to…
Both: Phillip (parenthetical quotations)”the nose” Metauski.
(Big hand.)
(Phillip enters.)
Phillip: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and germ-warfares. Lemme tell ya! I just flew in from Columbia and boy, is my nose tired!
(Sniffs prison style off of his hand. Ryan and Carson laugh.)
Phillip: Wow that’s some good flake! Smells like a coup! Ha ha ha…you know kids! I’m back, fresh off our last cyclical war of propaganda. (sniffs other hand) “No hablo moderation.” (sniffs coke again off other hand) And speaking of drug money, last week, Dubya and I were going over lines from my Bolivia report. Know what I found out?! The U.S. had been giving the Taliban millions in support for years to help them fight our war on drugs since they deeply oppose the opium trade! Just think! Our war on drugs funded their war on us! Drugs for terror! This material writes itself, people! (he laughs maniacally then takes another sniff)
Ryan: Hoookay, Phil, I think that cane is fucking with your brain!
Phillip: Wait wait wait! Knock knock!
Carson: Who’s there?
Phillip: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan!
Ryan: Every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan who?
Phillip: Was funded and built by the U.S. to help fight the Soviets! (they are pushing him off) No, wait! Let me finish! This is funny stuff! Pure comedy!
Phillip exits.
Carson: Well, now that Phillip “the nose” Metauski. is backstage receiving his much needed reprogramming…
(Gunshot!)
Ryan: We’ll move onto our next guest feature. The Johnson family, who has found an innovative way to support our war against the enemies of freedom.
(Enter Johnsons. Jimmy Dean Johnson and Little Jimmy Johnson.)
Carson: Let me introduce the first private sponsor of a United States Cruise Missle. Jimmy Dean Johnson and, of course, little Jimmy Johnson.
Jimmy Johnson: I eat terrorists for breakfast!
Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Mr. Ryan Seacrest! The Big Johnson One has been launched and is on route to Baghdad as we speak!
Ryan: What have you seen and read that has inspired you to strive to such heights of patriotism?
Jimmy Dean: Well, first off, I don’t let Little Jimmy read.
Jimmy Johnson: Reading’s unpatriotical!
Jimmy Dean: That’s right, Jimmy Jr.! I just trust in FOX News, our Christian Lord, and the Republican Party to guide me. Why make decisions when these folks are paid good to think for me!?
Carson: Wait, Jimmy!
Both Jimmys: What?
Carson: (finger to his ear) Looks like your sponsored cruise missle has just annihilated a uranium enrichment plant …or possibly a preschool!
Ryan: How do you feel right now?
Jimmy Dean: Hearing news like that makes it so much easier to accept that I just got down sized.
Jimmy Johnson: Or that I’ve got 87 kids in my fourth grade class.
Jimmy Dean: Or that Granny’s back on cat food since her social security’s been revoked!
Carson: God bless you, patriots. Without you, there would be no voter base to placate with religious dogma.
Ryan: The Johnson family, ladies and gentlemen!
Carson: We’ve got WWE and NASCAR playing for you in the green room!
Jimmy Dean and Jimmy Johnson: WOO-HOO!
Ryan: Now, looking at the big board, we’ve finally topped the ninety billion mark! You know that tax rebate the Bush gave you early in his presidency?
Carson: Yeah, well, we kinda need that back now.
Ryan: Did you know that it costs 1.5 million dollars to kill one terrorist?
Carson: But, killing that one terrorist causes so much collateral damage and civil unrest, we create at least ten new terrorists to take his place!
Ryan: That’s over 15 million dollars! But kill those ten terrorists and we’ve created one hundred more! After those one hundred are killed we’re onto one thousand, and those one thousand create ten thousand, and those ten thousand create one hundred thousand and after we wax those hundred thousand we’re onto one million!
Carson: And to kill 1 million terrorists it takes 1.5 Trillion dollars. Which brings us back to our goal!
Ryan: So you see, killing one Terrorist ends up costing the U.S. 1.5 Trillion dollars!
Carson: It’s now time to introduce our next guest! A man who is on the front lines of our war against high gas prices (gets elbowed by Ryan)…uh and freedom?
Ryan: That man is…
Both: General Leigh N' Merals.
(General Leigh N' Merals enters.)
General: Thank you Ryan and Carson! You know, we’ve accomplished many great things in our war against terror. But! Have we secured your freedom? Hell no! We’ve got brand new smart bombs and billion dollar defense contracts just waiting to insure your liberty! Pop quiz! Who’s one of the largest nuclear powers in the world? Carson!
Carson: United States?
General: Yes, but…Ryan!
Ryan: Russian black market?
General: Yeah, but…Carson!
Carson: Israel?
General: Yeah, yeah, we know, but…Ryan!
Ryan: China?
General: Okay, yes, that’s true, but…no! You’re missing the point! France! What about France, ladies and gentlemen! They’re socialist, and they got nukes, goddammit! Am I the only one seeing this!?
Carson: Are you saying that France is part of the axis of evil, General?
Ryan: Dude, Axis of evil is soooo nineteen forties!
General: That’s your Grandpa’s evil, son! We’re entered the age of the MAXIS of EVIL! Yeah, we already got Iran, Iraq and South Korea. But what about France! What about Bahrain! What about Canada!?
Carson: Wait, Canada!?
General: Don’t you know, boy? They got stockpiles of WMD’s!!!
Ryan: Canada has weapons of mass destructions?
General: No you frosty haired homo! Wherehouses of Maple Distribution! Just think of the war profits we could reap! I mean, who doesn’t love a good stack of silver dollar flapjacks!? ‘Specially when they’re dripping with loads of good old fashioned liberated American freedom syrup!
Carson: General, we’ve been Warathoning for two years strait.
Ryan: When will we finally be safe?
General: Well, let me show you!
The General pulls down a world map. Every country is red except for Israel, Britain, U.S. and all of Africa.
General: You see here, all the countries in red are in line for immediate U.S. led nation building.
Carson: I see that Africa is the only continent that’s not colored blood red, General.
General: Boy, there ain’t no money to be made there! That’s a fool’s errand! Shit! Next you’ll be asking me to declare war on poverty! That won’t do dick for my stock portfolio. You see, I believe this plan will not only insure our national freedom, but also secure my lucrative post military position at the Bectel Corporation.
Carson: Well, thank you so much for joining us general, you’ve showed us just how much work still lies ahead.
General: I do it for the children, the third world children…that work in my sweatshops.
General exits.
Ryan: Stay tuned for the OPEC orchestra featuring the barrel ballet in their rendition of, “I bought me a president!”
Carson: And after that, stick around for the Iraqi prisoner human butt pyramid! Coming up next on SEN!
(LIGHTS OUT)
posted by:
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SF Bay Area
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Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Fri, August 6, 2004 - 10:18 AMGoddamn! Makin' me proud.... :)
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Unsu...
Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Fri, August 6, 2004 - 11:10 AMFor a political sketch only tangentially informed of facts and figures, based on the haziest of readings and barest of analyses, well, shit, I think it's pretty funny. The gunshot is funny, that's for sure.
-T.
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Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Fri, August 6, 2004 - 3:42 PMAlthough I agree with the direction of the sketch, it's too preachy & not funny enough. Facts & figures do not punchlines make. It's salvagabe, but needs alot of work. Most comedy comes from expecting one thing & getting another. Think doublespeak when rewriting.
Good luck. It has potential. -
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Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Fri, August 6, 2004 - 4:15 PMMaybe you could have all the folks giving up their vitals to the cause & someone like Donald Trump phoning in to give money, only to be told, "Your money's no good here. You've suffered enough! In fact we're sending you a check for ___." Then reduce the total by that ammount & tell the folks that they have to dig deep - patriotism means sacrifice!
Just a thought.
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Unsu...
Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Fri, August 6, 2004 - 11:02 PMI agree it could be considered preachy, but think about how Dennis Miller got his start. A lot of various political satirists do stuff like this, and they do it for a living... You just have to be sure you're not making shit up when you write it -- the facts need to support what's being said, or at least your audience needs to be clueless enough not to know the difference.
-T.
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Re: The sketch you Won’t see in our show.
Mon, August 23, 2004 - 3:27 PMTakes me back to the banter between Jerry Lewis and Sammy Davis Jr. on the Labor Day Telethons... Then you could ad shit like "Rumors of my death are greatly exagerated, man." - Sammy.
I think the script can be saved with some editing... You might want to take a Firesign aproach to this... (A fine example of a post faire comedy success.) Remove referances to any particular adminstration, and focus on attacking the war machine with your satire...
Some of the stuff Firesign put together isn't particularly funny, but they get their point across... And they are a good model of what you are trying to do with your performance group...
I would also consider using a slide projection with AP photos of somekind to add to your presentation... This can be done eather by projection or by using a laptop with Powerpoint... I think Visuals I think can be key here...
